On the way home today, I was informed there is a newly recognized gap in the forever-tilting battle of men against women: The apology gap. The recognition was spurred by a segment from the Fox News program "Outnumbered." The reference they cited was a public service commercial from Pantene, the hair-care products company. (I'm sure they make other things as well; that's just what I know them for.)
The gist of the commercial was that women apologize too much for the wrong things, and they should stop it. The rationale is that it can make the woman both appear weak in front of others, and feel less confident about herself. One example from the commercial includes a setting on the job, where a woman says that she is "sorry" for interrupting someone else at the office to ask a question. Frankly, it's the kind of thing that I might say on the job, which doesn't prove anything one way or another.
People apologize for all kinds of things, and for all kinds of reasons. I would not be surprised to find out that, on average, women apologize more often than men, particularly on the job. Considering, however, that all of life is not spent on the job, I would also not be surprised if it were demonstrated than men apologize more overall when you throw in relationships, families, etc. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me. While my life is average in many ways, I don't live in an average. I am unconcerned over which sex apologizes more. My concern is how appropriate are the apologies, and what affect they are having on society.
A decade ago, I would not have cared, period. The idea that there could be "too many" apologies floating around would have seemed like a non-issue to me. If an apology was given when warranted, that was simply common courtesy, and no cause for alarm. If an apology was given though not warranted, so I reasoned, then excessive courtesy had been rendered, and there was still no cause for alarm. A review of society has led to a change in that attitude.
Part of the change in my attitude is due to a more thorough look at myself, and how I use speech. My look has shown me that any type of speech will tend to lose meaning when overused. This can apply to anything from a parent that shouts over every infraction, large or small, their children commit to the perfunctory "good morning" we hand out to passers by on the way to school. We say it, but there is seldom any real meaning attached. It's just one more check on our list of things to do for the day. Verbally polite? Check. Moving on...
The larger part of my shift in thought leans more on societal attitudes. What people receive often, they come to expect, and even demand. I have heard this referred to by various names. Hygiene Factor is one term. Entitlement Mentality is another. Whatever you call it, the phenomena applies as well to apologies as anything else. We see it every time a public figure makes some kind of statement that offends a group or individual, and is hauled before the court of public opinion to apologize. It's reflected in the ultra-sensitive attitude that demands ever increasing bans on words, phrases, attitudes, or even basic freedoms that might offend, or at least enable someone to claim offense. The focus is shifted from reconciliation to accusation. The apology, the action meant to help bring us together, instead becomes the fulcrum used to pry us further apart. And giving the apology is no longer the glue that holds us together, but simply evidence of how broken we are, how terrible our relationships really are, whether between male and female, husband and wife, rich and poor, black and brown and white.
The irony is crisp and biting. We now have to be more guarded about our apologies, and yet I seldom recall the world in a more "sorry" state. I believe that Pantene sponsored the commercial with fine intentions, and I believe it will achieve nothing of significant value. It's just one more attempt, thankfully softer than most, at fine-tuning societal attitudes from those above "who know better." The track record on such attempts is not encouraging. What generally happens in cases like this is that the matter starts to get attention, stirs up controversy, and then conflict escalates through groups of varying influence. Not of that does or even can have a whole lot of positive effect on public attitudes. If you find my attitude on the subject a bit jaded or cynical, well, I'm sorry.
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